Candle Wrangler
The newest season of the Bachelor is well underway. My wife and I watch this show, for what I hope are the same reasons as the rest of the country. To laugh.
Anyone that actually thinks that these shallow and vampish females are going to find love while camera crews follow them around on 'dream dates' is probably still believing in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus.
So my wife and I usually record the show so we can fast forward through all the commercials (any sponsor that would actually help pay for this type of programing is NOT someone I want to give my money to) and howl at the screen while throwing popcorn at it and debating which of the gold-diggers performs the best oral sex.
There is a style to these types of shows that has become almost formulaic. It is that style that I can see my next career in. A job where the stress is low and the surroundings are pretty easy on the eyes. When I have served my time and I am released from my current capitalist incarceration in the cube-farm, I want to be a 'Candle Wrangler'.
If you catch even the smallest glimpse of the Bachelor, or Bachelorette, or probably Survive for that matter (hey, they have torches), you can't miss the huge numbers of candles that decorate the date sets and hot tub scenes throughout the entire show. The tapers and decorative candles must run in the hundreds throughout the season and the votum candles must run in the thousands! Someone has to light them all AND keep them lite on those breezy evenings. And you never see any half burned candles from the previous evening still laying around the next day. Once they are lite and extinguished, those 1 watt wonders get chucked in the trash by somebody. Why not me?
With my trusty butane fire starter and my exacting wick trimming abilities, I would be a shoe in for the position of Candle Wrangler on one of these shows. I can see myself standing in the background, bathed in the scent of molten Lavender and Bayberry wax as the dude of the hour struggles with who to give the final rose too. No more phone calls or screaming morons to deal with, just me and the glowing sentinels of the evening. I wonder if the job comes with a dental plan?
i always wanted to be the guy who dusts the sand off the butts of the girls for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit pictorials...
ReplyDeleteevery one of those videos ive seen there is a guy there with a towel dusting off their bums..
I would like to do pick out the dresses and style the women. I've not seen the show but I am sure everyone is dressed to the nines. And when the show was done I could just quietly sneak off with some of the better wares.
ReplyDelete:)
I don't watch tv... but I am familiar with the show. To be honest, I cannot think of a single thing I would rather be doing unless it was getting paid to travel around the world taking pictures... but that job is already taken.
ReplyDeleteyou are so creative! how ingenious! let us know how that works out?
ReplyDeleteI love watching it too. I watched it when they had Mark Philloposous on it. It was sphincter winking awful. So many Dodo heads together. Fascinating.
ReplyDeleteI've only seen 1 season of The Bachelor, the one where Andrew Firestone was looking for love.
ReplyDeleteIt always bothers me when the bachelor is asking his friends what their opinion is of the girl he likes. I find the whole show laughable because I cannot believe how backwards it and how these women fight, whine and cry to get picked. Can you say self esteem?