The New Freak Show

How To Be A Celebrity

Live long enough, and you start to see patterns in everything. The sheer number of tabloids at the supermarket and celebrity news shows on cable are indicative of the public's thirst to be voyeurs to the 'stars'.

Having skimmed many a headline while waiting in the express checkout lane, the patterns start to emerge. I feel as though I am a clairvoyant, since I can pretty much predict what is going to happen to any given celebrity based on this handy flowchart. Its easy, try it yourself.





"Parents" You have to have rich parents or really wacky stage parents to get into show business. Talent won't get you very far. What counts is media saturation. It takes money and agents to get you press. Press gets you airtime. Airtime = Celebrity.

"Crazy Dating" There is a whole industry in Hollywood and New York geared to this. Certain trendy clubs, entourages, and packs of paparazzi roaming the street to document your life. Stumbling toward a limousine at 2am in the morning in a mini-skirt and wearing high heels is a right of passage to be a celebrity.

"Sex Tape" Another requirement is the leaking / divulging of something personal about the celebrity. Garages, dumpsters, glove boxes are all sources. Mind you, these are not accidental. Agents plant these stories or "forget" to pay the storage on rental units so that media can find these items. There is no such thing as bad publicity.

"Drug Use" (altered states), the first (of many) indications that the celebrity is out of control. The public likes to watch their train wrecks...over and over again. Often times accompanied by radical weight-loss or weight-gain.

"Rehab" A car accident isn't required to get here, but it is a good idea for garnering more headlines, since you will be missing in action until they let you out of club 12-step. A stint in rehab as well as clutching a bible afterward is always a good way to impress the judge before your sentencing.

"Plastic Surgery" Again, not a requirement, and probably not even necessary, but it is one of the prerequisites for getting into the club. You have to have a fan base that is guessing about your looks and if they have changed. It is a way of affirming that you are as insecure as your fan base is.

"Crazy Dating-2" This is where one of the infinite lopes comes into play. You can go round and round until you eventually fall off this merry-go-round. Many do. The only way to escape this roller coaster is by death (see car accident / alternate route). Jim Morrison and Grace Kelly took this route. The other way to get out of this loop is to eventually get pregnant (or impregnate someone).

"Wardrobe Malfunction" Is anything but. It is usually the device of the celebrity whose career is failing. It is almost always planned and choreographed for maximum exposure to keep the celebrity in the tabloids for a few more months, but gets old pretty quickly. You can only do it for a short time frame before it loses its shock value.

"Pregnancy / Marriage" They are mutually exclusive and one does not require the other, but they are two distinct photo-opportunities (one lasts 9 months, the other lasts 9 hours). These two events usually signal the end of the first half of the celebrity life-cycle.

"Happy Motherhood" This is only a headline and is usable only when an infant is between 3 and 9 months old. It is a momentary reprieve in the celebrity life before the stars get back to business and the nanny takes over.

"Career Failure" This is when crazy dating and drug use eventually take their toll and the celebrity loses credibility. At this point, a new strategy has to be found to maintain public exposure. Divorce and returning to your hard living ways is always an option. The other option is to continue having children. Additional children put your career on hold and you are basically only famous for producing offspring.

"Redemption/Art House Media/Reality" Eventually, if you can last long enough, all celebrities end up here. Doing media work in what is considered a sustenance level (art house films, low budget work, voice overs and reality / game show contestants).

"Adopting from Africa" A new trend for the 'mature' celebrity who wants to explore their repressed maternal / paternal side. It has the benefit of forgoing the whole pregnancy thing (and keeping your figure) as well as being able to tailor pick what your child looks like to a degree. It also gives and air of compassion and responsibility in your celebrity maturity, but excess in this department can lead to ridicule.

"Feuds and Siblings" or tag on portions of the flow chart where other celebrities with ties to you make inroads into your celebrity in order to further their own careers and obtain media coverage.